the Sweet Smell of Burning Fur (plonq) wrote,
the Sweet Smell of Burning Fur
plonq

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Food inanity

Since atara and I do not have cable television at home, one of the things we do when we got on a road trip is catch up with some of the TV that we have been missing. I wouldn't quite put it at the level of feeding frenzy, but we definitely appreciate the opportunity to tune in the same mindless entertainment enjoyed by the rest of our countrymen for the week or so that we have access. One of our favourite channels, and probably one of a dozen that would actually interest me if we decided to get actual television service at home, is the Food TV network. We love our food porn.

Except that the channel made me want to pry open the top of my head and rip my own brain out this morning. Some of the celebrity chefs on that station really rub me the wrong way. There was a girl doing a cooking show this morning who kept making me flinch while I was trying to catch up on the world news on my computer. I don't know whose show it was because the TV was turned away from the desk where I was sitting, so I could only get the audio. I'm not even sure what she was making, other than the fact that bacon and pineapple were two of the ingredients that she was using. What bothered me about her show was the amount of hyperbole she was spewing. It seemed that she could not go more than two sentences without inserting needless embellishment.

"...and now we'll just add this chopped bacon to a clean pan. [Sound of chopped bacon landing in a pan.] Mmm. This bacon smells amazing so you know it's going to be good when we save the rendered fat for the next part..."

Wait a minute, hadn't she just described some chopped onions and peppers, or something equally mundane as "amazing" in her previous sentence? Apparently she liked that word.

"...and this diced pineapple will add amazing sweetness and tartness to the dish..."

There she goes again! Lady, pineapple is not amazing, it's fucking pineapple. The hyperbole poured from her like oil from a BP drilling disaster. Everything was amazing, or astounding, or it was unbelievably delicious. I've never heard somebody wax on so about their own cooking. In listening to her, she was apparently creating a new paradigm of delicious. She's not the only chef I've heard who thinks way too highly of their own craft, but she was one of the worst. atara and I have talked about doing a web stream of our own cooking, similar to what duncandahusky and takaza did awhile back. It looked like a lot of fun, and I'd like to share some of my cooking techniques. I wonder if I should pretend I have a real cooking show and work on my over-embellishment.

"The sound of the KD hitting the water makes my knees weak with anticipation of culinary delights to come. I'm redefining delicious here folks; this is not your grandmothers mac and cheese. Let's just fire up the other pan here and begin melting the butter so that I can get the powdered cheese started. This is a very critical step, because if I don't get the milk just right then it is the difference between a glom of flavourless cheese, versus having Jesus descend from heaven to spooge the sweet nectar of salvation onto your tongue. This KD is going to be amazing!"
Tags: food
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